Of alphas and omegas...

Been away from the blog for a couple of weeks as I found myself in a quandary.

How can I wax poetic as it were about my life as my grandmother painfully ebbs ever closer to the end of hers? Is it fair for me to write of the joy I feel every time I touch Wendy Lu's blooming belly, knowing that our child is only at the beginning of the journey when this woman that I love and admire so much is at the end of hers? Is it right? Fuck, I don't even know.

But I do know that I can't not share in this miracle I'm not only a witness to, but a full on participant in. And I believe my grandmother would not only want me to, but if she had it her way...she'd be right here with us. I only hope she knows that she is.

After visiting the doctor last night and laying eyes on my child for only the second time, I simply have to write about it.

Wendy Lu rightly chided me for gently probing for any tidbit of information I could gleam from our Ukrainian/Russian speaking doctor as to the gender question...curiosity got the better of me. Thankfully said doctor held to her end of the bargain, and even though she let on that she believes she spotted the sex...didn't let me in on the secret.

I'll hold up my end of the arrangement and not prod further to know what's in store. As the best news we could have hoped for and received is that both mother and baby are both coming along wonderfully. Seeing the relief in my bride's eyes as test results all point to what I've always suspected...she's as healthy as a horse...warms me in parts of my heart I honestly had no idea even existed before this endeavor. Why didn't anyone ever tell me this could feel so damn good? Nah, that's not fair.

Even after friends over the years have droned on and on about how much having a baby changes the way you view this world, of how you look at 'love' I've got to confess...I wasn't prepared for the way that this kid makes me feel.

I've never cared for someone like this. I've never felt more for anyone or anything than I do for this child I've never seen without the aid of science, for a child I've never actually touched or smelled or heard outside of a fetal heart monitor. This kid's got me. I'm ALL the way in.

I'd move heaven and earth for him or her. This is not to be taken lightly dear reader, for as much as I love my family and my wife...this is something that simply goes beyond that. The kid needs me in a way that no one ever has and truth be told...I need the kid even more. The question now becomes, how do I not let the little bugger find this information out in the coming months and years? Because if this were to reach those ever growing ears and be processed by that budding little brain, if this child were to recognize that I'm at his or her beck and call...wouldn't you abuse such power? Wouldn't anyone? Hell, I know I would.

Maybe you know it already from my pats, my rubs and my voice booming from outside that warm place you currently hang your tiny hat...but I'm your dad and I love you.

sit and listen.