The 2008 Republican National Convention (or how I learned to stop worrying and love America)

Dear RNC,

I've got to admit that while I'm a little slow coming around, and I had a hard time getting behind this whacked out of their gourde whiter than white duo of Pale and Palin before...count me in now, John Boy. That Barack Obama is just so damned "Uppity," ain't he? Who the hell does he think he is anyway runnin' for our presidency? I get it now, I want to be a good American, a Real American!

Because only Real Americans understand that spouting off slogans and soundbytes like 'Support Our Troops' or 'Country First' or 'Energy Independence' ...well, that's enough. Real Americans get that we may say that shit, but we don't actually mean it.

We Real Americans just want to wave our guns around like our dicks on prom night, 'free' sovereign nations (and their oil) with our expendable young poor people, and drive our H3 Hummers to buy more plasma TVs. As a newly minted Real American, I'm booking my flight to Minneapolis as I type this for tonight's festivities!

But before I get on the plane, I did have a couple questions:

Will I be issued one of those great shitkicking "I hate darkies" cowboy hats at the door or do I need to bring my own?

How will I know when to nonsensically chant "USA! USA! USA!" at the right time? Do you have those little 'APPLAUSE' signs that instead light up with 'JINGOISTIC NONSENSE' or some other such prompting?

Oh hey, can I get a copy of the PowerPoint presentation you had running behind Sarah Palin last night? That was not only bleeding edge technology, but it was also just incredibly moving and so damned patriotic. Pictures of the Liberty Bell and the Washington Monument? Nice. Oh, and that really cool desert scene from Windows clip art really does distract from all the hatred fed to the lapping dogs. I kept waiting for the obligatory bald eagle slide, but shucks...maybe tonight? Wait, don't tell me...Jesus holding a bald eagle? I can hope, right?

And finally, how can I get in on this whole hypocrisy thing I keep hearing so much about? It sounds great! The only thing is, I don't know if I can convincingly say one thing, and then DO THE COMPLETE AND TOTAL FUCKING OPPOSITE. Maybe Sarah can help me with that? What with all her "Executive experience" and all.

I mean, wow, the way she pulled off that bit about being against the bridge to nowhere while actually suporting it? That was BRILLIANT! Oh, and that thing about "Honor and integrity" all the while plotting to abuse her power by shitcanning her sister's state trooper ex? Damn, that's talent. She could even teach you a thing or two huh, John?

Gotta fly! Maybe we can meet up at the Mall of America Cinn-a-bon post acceptance speech for a pastry pow wow? You can tell some war stories, Sarah can regale us with more of that heartwarming hockey mom from Wal-mart schtick and I'll bring the hot cocoa!

Yours,
-Monkey

god bless the usa.